a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
