She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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