i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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