No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
