Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
