The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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