I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
