Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
