Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Are we still banned from the library?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
