Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
