My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
