we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
