If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
