I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
