I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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