I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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