Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
