btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you didnt know i had herpes?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
