never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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