I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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