So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
