life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
