i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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