Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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