Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
