I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am spending my child support on dildos
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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