i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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