I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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