dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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