I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
