Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Two words: nipple clamps
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