We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
