The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
