If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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