I'm lost and stupid without you.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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