What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
