so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
