why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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