we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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