You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
