Plan B is the new Plan A
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
