i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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