Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
