feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
