First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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