This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
