halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
