went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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