tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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