Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
