The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
