I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
