Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
