He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
