Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize