forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
