Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
