It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
